After 48 years on this planet I’ve learned two firm and undeniable rock solid facts when it comes to the female of our species. Fact #1: I thank god every day that I was not born a woman. Fact #2: If I live another 48 years I wont find another hard fast, all encompassing fact about all women.
After studying women and their female offspring in their natural habitat these past 28 years, much like Jane Goodall, I have been able to decipher the actual meaning behind bits and pieces of their often confusing and secret language. What I’ve learned during my observations is not a hard and fast set of communication criteria, but more of a general guide line… a set of basic phrases and key words that can give the males of our species a clue as to the actual hidden meaning of these often misleading statements. I’ll highlight key caution words and phrases. For example:
Your wife/girlfriend is getting dressed for your evening out and you innocently ask her when she’ll be ready to leave… If her response is “Five minutes” you might as well open a beer, turn on the TV and catch up on the Flintstones marathon because she’ll be a while. In this context… five minutes in female dressing time is roughly 30 – 45 minutes in real time.
Now here’s where it gets tricky.
Let’s say your watching the end of the Colts game on Sunday and your wife/girlfriend is ready to leave for dinner at her parent’s house, and she says it’s time to go… your response “sure babe… just five more minutes so I can catch the end of the game”. She’ll probably smile begrudgingly and then look at her watch… the clock is running. Five minutes now means five minutes.
Now lets say the game goes into overtime… this could mean the play-offs.
“I’ll tell you what babe,” you say with your best puppy dog eyes. “You go ahead and I’ll catch up as soon as this is over.” A seemingly reasonable request.
Her response… a loud, very audible sigh.
In women speak this IS an actual word, but as men we mistakenly interpret this as a form of non-verbal communication to mean, “OK… I concede”. What it really means is; she thinks you’re a knuckle dragging, nose picking idiot and she’s wondering when you’re going to extract your head out of your hairy, ape like ass, stop arguing with her and get in the car so she can finish her make-up in the vanity mirror on the way to her mom and dads.
Now… to further emphasize her displeasure, she’ll stand by the door ready to leave with arms folded, keys rattling, toes tapping impatiently as she tries to glare a hole through your thick skull, waiting for you to join her in this weekly journey. As your attention and focus returns to the excitement of the game she barks “What Ever” as she slams the door behind her. What she really said…. “FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!”
It’s 45 minutes later and you arrive at her parents house, happy and content that your favorite team is in the play-offs. You, with your keen relationship sense, have derived that something is amiss with your partner because she has not spoke to you or even acknowledged your presence since your arrival.
“What’s wrong babe?” you ask. Actually having no clue what the problem is.
“Nothing” she says. This, my friends, is the calm before the storm. Nothing means something. So, unless the next words out of your mouth are “I’m sorry”… even though you have no idea what to be sorry for, you should get your guard up because the argument is about to begin.
You plead your case… big game…play-offs… made it in time for dinner… no harm no foul… thought you were cool with it… super bowl… etc.
“Fine”. She says.
You lose. This the word women use to signify that the argument is now over, she’s right and you need to stop talking. When you hear this word… stop talking.
Now… lets take this one final step further… lets say you don’t read my blog and are therefore unable to heed my sagely advice… so you continue to argue with your mate even though you don’t have a snowballs chance in hell of winning this one.
“Look… I don’t know what the big deal is… Why don’t I just go home and give you time to cool off!” You respond in hopes of ending the argument with some dignity in tact.
“Go Ahead.” She says. This is not permission or submission… This is a dare… no… a DOUBLE DOG DARE! Don’t fall for it. If you leave… stop by the store and pick up some hand lotion and Kleenex… because you’re going to need them.
Also beware of the phrase “That’s Okay”. This is another one of the most dangerous two word sentences uttered by the female of our species. It means she plans on thinking long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll atone for your mistake.
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll do it” is another “red flag” statement, meaning this is something that she has told you to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in you asking, “what’s wrong”… She'll respond "Nothing!" then you can just follow the progression of events in the above paragraphs.
And then there’s “Thanks” Consider the tone and context that this word is said in. If it is said with a soft and pleasant tone, do not question it, or faint, just say you’re welcome. If it is said in a hard and sarcastic tone or is stated, as “Thanks a lot” do not, under any circumstances, say, “You’re welcome”. Doing so will evoke the dreaded “What Ever” response.
I hope this information is helpful to those masses still struggling to bridge the communication gap between the genders. I, myself, will continue to monitor and record their strange rituals and interaction among others of their kind in an effort to uncover more mysteries and their meanings.
For now, I’ll sit in my corner and listen for those all-important key phrases… my lotion and Kleenex at the ready.
MoFo
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